Seven drinks to help you sink into oblivion you can pretend are perfect for fall

The dark, depressing nights come and you dread turning on the lights or heating, so the best option is to fart. Here are seven drinks with a faint fall theme.

Martini with a garnish of sprigs

Olives are overrated, so make your drink a bit more fall by adding a few dirty sprigs to your martini. Make it a drinking game to speed up the cursing: whoever realizes they have a piece of dog poo must immediately drink the rest.

Pumpkin Whiskey Cup

The recipe couldn’t be simpler: hollow out a pumpkin, fill it with Jack Daniels, swallow. Just remember not to make holes for the mouth or eyes or you’ll make a hell of a mess – especially later in the evening once you start using the pumpkin as emetic.

The woolly jumper is guilty

For a sneaky autumn-themed drink on the go, wander the leaf-strewn park with a bottle of Merlot on your jumper. Very reminiscent of mulled wine, but not mulled wine. For an even better result, replace the bottle with a box of wine and enjoy looking out at the crisp October sky while gulping Tesco’s ‘spicy white’ straight down your throat.

Tequila from pine cones

To make your jabs pop, don’t sink your teeth into a lemon wedge every time you drink tequila, instead, crush a pinecone on your forehead. The combination of tequila and head kicks will give you a nice autumnal vertigo before you lose your head.

Beer conkers

Like “beer pong” except you throw conkers into the cups instead of ping pong balls. If you’re lonely and bored, there’s no need to play this with company, just put ten pints on the far side of your bedroom and literally knock yourself out.

Gin and oak leaf

Never mind the tonic, just crack some neat gin into a glass with a tasty oak leaf garnish. Continue the fall vibe by using a leaf to wipe the sore side of your mouth after the cleaning that will inevitably follow for 12 of these bad boys.

Water vodka

Hide your autumn drinking problem from your family or housemates by hiding a bottle of vodka in a dirty wellington boot and taking a quick sip every time you pass the mat. That’s a good thing, because the Duke of Wellington probably designed saltines just for this purpose, and he kicked ass at Waterloo.