YOUR parents have been happily married for many years. But if any of these guys tried to court her, your mom would dump your dad in an instant.

Kevin McCloud

No ordinary person stands a chance next to this sophisticated, measured siren in a leather jacket. If he ever showed interest in your mom, your dad would be living out of a suitcase in your spare room while she reigned with McCloud in an architectural gem in the Dordogne.

Monty Don

With his sensitive gardening hands and a voice so rich and chocolaty it would make your mother’s knee replacements tremble, Monty Don is a dreamboat for the elderly. Unlike your father, Monty isn’t just interested in drinking Old Peculiar before the rugby, and your mum is dying to roll with him in the chrysanthemum bed at Longmeadow.

Alexander Armstrong

Picture the scene: Your mom’s bridge club is bused in to be in the audience for a recording session It’s pointless and Armstrong winked at her from the podium. She instantly runs onto the set, ripping off her wedding ring, ready to take on the middle-aged quiz show host’s hot hunk. And if she misread the situation, she would settle for Osman.

Paul Hollywood

Paul Hollywood is a gorgeous silver fox with eyes like sapphires filled with sexual hatred and he can sleep. Your father, meanwhile, is a retired plumber with a questionable mustache and bad breath. If Hollywood came knocking, your mom would be a moth to that Scouse’s burning flame.

Dermot O’Leary

Don’t think your mom won’t drop everything for one night of freaky passion with this hot hunk. Who cares that he’s two decades younger than her at 49? As far as she’s concerned, the fact that he’s young makes him all the more exciting.