Missed the Last Bus: The Real Reasons You Fucked on the First Date

DID you buy someone a pint five years ago and they still haven’t paid off their beer debt? Broach the subject gently but firmly:

Lay the foundation

Getting the pint you’re owed requires military planning. You need to decide on a place, agree on a time and, very importantly, make sure that you invite the bastard who forced you to drink years ago. Otherwise, the whole idea is a waste of time and you’ll have to ask them to transfer the amount to you in cash via PayPal.

Lull them into a false sense of security

Soften them up by treating them to the first round. Maybe even throw in a couple of bags of chips and some nuts for good measure. Don’t think of it as an additional cost, it’s an investment. With alcohol coursing through their veins and stomachs full of pub grub, they’ll be nice and vulnerable for your little revenge.

Bring it as a joke

Laugh like it’s no big deal. So what if you bought them a £4.65 pint of American pale ale at The King’s Head in Birmingham in 2017 and they never offered you a refund? This is ancient history. Honestly, you forgot about it. Playfully smack them on the arm too hard.

Provide evidence

However, if you’re talking about a pint, you’ve got all the receipts for that night in your pocket. What an amazing coincidence. If your friend examines them carefully, he will be convinced that he really owes you a beer. No, you tell them, it’s not a trifle, it’s fair. If things were reversed, you would totally understand.

Bring a backup

They can get aggressive at this point, so make sure you have backup. Preferably someone who was there at the time and can back up your claim for the pint you are rightfully owed. If not just paying someone to lie, then ideally someone named Big Tony. Not like anyone can remember anything that happened that long ago.