LOOKING for love on a dating app? Instead of getting into a whirlwind virtual dysfunctional romance? Here’s how it will happen without your meeting:


You will not find the One right away. It takes at least 10 minutes of frantic waving as you instantly judge strangers based on their first photo. You don’t have time to waste reading their carefully crafted bios that better show your compatibility. If they’re eight or higher, swipe right already.

This is a match!

Finally! You and some random person made the same thumb gesture on phone screens! This is definitely the beginning of your life together, not what your counselor will privately refer to as the origin story of your porn addiction and daytime drinking. Congratulations!

The opening line

You only get to make a good first impression once, so surprise your loved one with a charming opening phrase like “how was your weekend?” or even just a classic “hello”. Nothing improves conversation like vague, generic copy-and-paste phrases. Are those wedding bells you hear ringing in the distance?

Boring conversation

If all goes well, you’ll sink into a tedious exchange of details about how many siblings you have and where you last went on vacation. Keep the conversation going by asking relentless questions, no matter how mundane. ‘How tall are you?’ and “do you have any pets” is the perfect warm up to the main event…


This is what you both came for. X-rated sizzling sexting that will come back to ruin your career if you ever get a position in public life. Make sure they don’t say anything too revealing while you unleash your wildest fantasies. Look forward to screenshots of this conversation if you ever get it big.

Catch emotions

You’ve only known this person for twenty minutes and you’ve been sitting on the toilet all that time, but you think you’re in love. Maybe it’s that she “doesn’t take life too seriously” or that she “loves adventure,” but you’ve convinced yourself that this person is a one-of-a-kind catch. Open a new tab and browse engagement rings.

Getting ghosted

Shit, did the internet go down? It says you are online. So how did they suddenly stop responding? Send them another message. Then more. Then half a dozen more. Maybe they were jumping in the shower. Keep spamming them until they match you and that must be because the program has crashed. Return to the main screen and repeat the above instructions.