How to ruin your enjoyment of eating by becoming a self-proclaimed foodie

DO you have the quotient to declare yourself a “foodie”? If so, here’s how it’s cursing your enjoyment of eating.

Nothing can be simple

It used to be that your idea of ​​elevating beans on toast was to add a dollop of Worcestershire sauce. But now you bake your own sourdough, soak your own beans and peel the skin from each tomato before slowly cooking them into a sauce. And grating some cheddar on top is not allowed, you need to buy smoked ham from Italy. Even simple dishes became so bland that you started to hate food.

Your kitchen is a nightmare

Ever since you’ve achieved gourmet status, you’ve run out of room in your kitchen for all your weird grains, let alone condiments. Your cupboards are overflowing with jam, shisha and four different types of balsamic vinegar. If you’re lucky, the shelf you put up for your new collection of recipe books will collapse and a hardcover Ottolenghi will save you from your misery.

It’s hard work

Being a true foodie is hours of study. You’ll have horrible GCSE French flashbacks trying to remember how to pronounce the names of cheeses and pasta shapes. Cookbooks now contain long stand-alone chef essays as well as recipes, so you’ll never be able to enjoy the latest Val McDermid version.

You are bankrupting yourself

It’s not just that the rare Spanish ham you need for your signature crostini can only be sourced through a very expensive online importer, it’s also that you can’t just pop into Boots for a quick lunch like you used to . Instead, you walk two miles to a fancy deli for lampredotto focaccia that costs a fortune and annoys your boss because you’re late for your table.

Your friends and family hate you

You refuse to go to Nando’s for a cheap group meal, you won’t shut up about the ubiquity of truffle oil, and you’re generally obnoxious. And to add to the woes, you start to think that your new hobby isn’t worth it, and you have a strong craving for Greggs steak bakes.