Kilts, Neps, Wet Wet Wet: Five Questionable Scottish Inventions

FROM television to shortbread, the Scots have invented some truly great things. But here are five that should stay north of the border.

Kilts

If you’re a true Scot, feel free to wear your tartan with pride. However, if you’re a guy whose dad’s cousin’s great-grandmother was born in Glasgow but moved to England when she was two days old, you don’t qualify as Scottish and just want to stand out at the wedding in the hope that your bridesmaid will fuck you.

Wet Wet Wet

From Annie Lennox to Young Fathers and Teenage Fanclub, Scotland has produced a staggering number of incredible musicians. So why is their most famous group the most annoying? Cover of Wet Wet Wet Love is all around put such an indelible stain on the nation’s psyche in the 90s that you’re probably still humming it today. Having said that, Good morning girl is an absolute tragedy and at least they never added bagpipes to their tracks to get more sales from sentimental Americans.

Macaroni pie

Scotland’s most famous dish is the haggis, but they also enjoy some other equally strange culinary inventions, such as selling burnt to a crisp buns and calling them ‘well burnt’, pretending a square sausage is ok and thinking it’s not – Swedish for non-Scots – nice. At the top of the list, however, is the Double Carb Magic Macaron Pie, which is pasta with a filling inside the dough. Delicious, yes, but your waistline will be tightened.

Irn-Bru

It’s bright orange in color, tastes like 40 different things at once, and the recipe is kept secret so you can literally make it out of logs, as the famous ad said. Is it nice? It’s hard to say. But the Scots consume it as if it were the water of life itself, and it will surely flow straight from the tap on Independence Day.

Be friendly to strangers

The English hate talking to people they don’t know so much that someone might wet their foot in the pipe and they just pretend it’s not happening. The Scots, on the other hand, will happily chat to a stranger, which makes those south of Dumfries suspicious and a little jealous.