BRITISH people are good in bed. We mean clothes, not sex. No one needs this disgusting disease that prevents a good night’s sleep. This is what your bedding says about you.

Stark is a naked fool

You are a free spirit. This “night” guarantees not only uninterrupted sleep, but also the pubic area in the sheet. Just try not to drop your pink eyes on your pillow. The real test is being brave enough to sleep naked at a friend’s house or hotel where a stranger might walk in and take a condescending look at your gorgeous ass. Your children are there. Nothing can prepare you for having your little one look at your exposed genitals and burst into tears.

Spiderman Pajamas

Assuming you’re not four, you really like comics. Maybe you got them from Primark as a ‘joke’ and they’ve found their way into your proper wardrobe. People would have doubted you, but the Hulk did not give them any doubts. You just feel safe and secure with Spidey all over your body, and there’s no shame in saying it, except to friends, strangers, co-workers, and people you want to fuck.

Sports clothes

You see sleep as another sports activity and try to beat personal records and achieve perfection. Every morning you rate your sleep using one of a bewildering array of silly, scientifically dubious apps. Probably while “indulging” in my morning wheatgrass shot, overnight oats, and almond milk latte. This sleep pattern prepares you to jump out of bed and run 10 km. Ideally in the nearest ocean. You are a boring cunt.

Nightgown and eye mask

You are either 90 or just act like it. If it’s the former, you’ll have a dresser, a hot water bottle from June, and go to bed as soon as It’s pointless ends at 6:00 p.m. Because you have to get up before dawn every day to do… well, who knows what. Go to the supermarket or maybe buy the Daily Express.

If you’re young and choose this option, chances are you’ll also be wearing a mouth guard to sleep. Because you’re so worked up that you spend the whole night having stressful dreams and grinding your teeth against small bushes. Put on a CD of whale songs and relax.

A T-shirt with a group and a cheles

You want a bit of freedom down there, but you don’t like your growing gut to be exposed. And the bandage on the T-shirt will directly reflect your excess weight. The Strokes = mid 30s and getting chubby; Guns N’ Roses = a middle-aged spread that has solidified; Led Zeppelin = absolutely huge. Just hope you don’t get mugged and have to confront an assailant in a tattered, too-tight Pink Floyd t-shirt with your beak dangling merrily, though he might be paralyzed with shock until the police get there.