Having to masturbate and other things, it’s now normal to do

WHEN the period of mourning is officially over, a normal life of self-abuse can be resumed. You now have permission to:

To teach

Finally, after ten whole days of respectful abstinence, you can enjoy one hand. Although it is clearly not prohibited during the period of mourning, the whiplash between the dirt to be removed and the coffin frames would be too much. There was a risk that you could combine the two.

Change into mourning clothes

The plain black commemorative T-shirt you wore after the news broke on September 9 can now be clumsily shoved back into the drawer. He has done his duty and won’t need another for another 30 years, God willing, or until you get called to jury duty. Now you can wear the usual clothes: ironic t-shirts with indelible turmeric stains.

Recognize the vices of monarchy

The era of politely ignoring the monarchy’s links to colonialism and funding crown jewels and golden carriages while the country plunges into a cost-of-living crisis is over. Starting today, however, you can shut up and roll your eyes every time the Windsors are mentioned. But just to be sure, give it a week before calling them a carnival of jerks.

Enjoy one second of happiness

In case you forgot, happiness is a state of emotional joy. You’ve experienced it before, watching a viral cat video or hearing about an old school friend’s career failure. It would be wrong to feel happiness in a world without the Queen, but she would like you to feel it. Perhaps due to the fact that Boris Johnson was furious that he did not make a speech yesterday.

To be sad because of another

For the past ten days, the Queen has had a monopoly on sums, and rightly so. But now she’s gone, there are smaller issues to be unhappy about. From climate change to your inability to pay your rent and support Leicester City, there’s a whole catalog of woes waiting for you. A change is as good as a break, so focus your depression on these topics.