NOT having sex? You are probably sad and clumsy for one of the following reasons:

You have terrible dress sense

You might think your Superdry leather jacket paired with a neat pork pie hat is the height of sexy fashion, but you’d be wrong. You look like a typical tragic guy with a mid-life crisis. Even grown men in full football armbands look less desperate than you.

You have an annoying personality

On the surface, you don’t look bad until you open your mouth and start talking nonsense. You still think your take on Brexit is fascinating and are convinced your profane jokes are more annoying than creepy. It’s amazing that your own hot nature doesn’t stop you from masturbating.

You’re aiming too high

You have incredibly high self-esteem, and no man who isn’t rich, well-dressed, and bears more than a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling is going to get anywhere near the inside of your panties. Unfortunately your stupid standards put 99 per cent of the population out of work and you need to realize that talking on a Friday night in your local Wetherspoons is more your level.

You are in a long-term relationship

When you met, you fucked like horny rabbits, but that was eight years ago, and the flames of passion have long died out. However, you have a permanent life partner, so even if you don’t have hot sex, at least you can take solace in the fact that you’ll never have to worry about paying the mortgage or sitting down in tears night after night over dinner. Tesco frozen carbonara for one.

You’re just damn ugly

You have the face of a bulldog licking a nettle. That’s why you don’t get anything plain and simple. The trick is to find someone at least as bad as you, because you’ll both be so desperate that the fuck will be unbelievable. That’s it, your sexual problems are over.

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