He affirmed that MAN with an unattractive member makes up for it by polluting the planet as much as possible.

Phallic challenger Nathan Muir regularly takes unnecessary car trips to places within walking distance and doesn’t recycle plastic, believing it makes him incredibly macho.

Muir said: “Of course I eat meat at every meal, even for breakfast, which is great if I just want a coffee. Everyone knows vegans are wimps and so are all gays.

“And don’t even get me started on darts driving electric cars. I would have rammed these s**ts off the road if I didn’t risk damaging my brand new SUV, which is perfect for navigating a city full of narrow roads and asphalt parking.

“Eventually, I’d like to have kids because it’s the easiest way to transfer my carbon footprint through endless generations, and it also proves to the world that I do have a functioning penis, even if it’s a small one.

“It’s all about making the biggest and most lasting impact. I want my own flesh and blood basking in the 50 degree British summer heat and participating in food riots.

“Procreation is the purpose of life, even if that life is miserable and short, because I wanted to go on five foreign holidays a year.”


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